By Jaboner Jackson 3 p.m. | To be sure, the FOOTBALLPHDS have returned in full to the offices in time for the Fall Equinox. Although the last year was marred by incessant travels to Brazil and Ecuador, Fall 2013 promises to mirror the normalcy of 2011 and before. In order to prepare both the FOOTBALLPHDS and the Wonderful Readers for the multitude of news and analyses stories sure to come, we have returned with a Rock Mayock tradition, Breaking News. Although no one can break the news like Mayock, we surely will attempt.
By Rock Mayock 8:30 a.m. | If you have any unused sick time at your disposal, today is the day to use it. You’re going to need the time off because today is the day for both the FOOTBALLPHDS and our wonderful readers to celebrate Vin “Dom Toretto” Diesel’s 46th birthday. It is only natural that we would want to honor the man who has brought us hunky classics such as The Fast and the Furious, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Fast and Furious, Fast Five, Fast & Furious Six, XXX, Boiler Room, The Chronicles of Riddick and The Pacifier. Therefore the FOOTBALLPHDS have put together our top 3 ways to celebrate Vin’s big day.
By Rock Mayock 11:00 p.m. | Good evening wonderful readers. As almost nobody knows, tomorrow is Election Day in the city of Los Angeles. What’s at stake in this election? The right to succeed Antonio Villaraigosa as Mayor of our fair city, police and fire department pay raises, sales tax and the future likelihood of an NFL franchise moving to Los Angeles. How is one supposed to render a decision regarding a topic with such limited coverage?
BREAKING NEWS! DARRYL “DOUBLETAP” JENKINS III SPOTTED AT THE 2013 DAYTONA 500 WITH NASCAR SUPERSTAR KEVIN HARVICK
By Rock Mayock 4:00 a.m. | As we know the FOOTBALLPHDS’ home office has been a virtual ghost town over the past 12 months. Rock Mayock has been shuttling back and forth to Amsterdam attempting to establish the FOOTBALLPHDS’ European headquarters, Jaboner Jackson went native in the jungles of Brazil and Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III has been gallivanting around the globe with Cousin Felipe’s mom. With the PhDs scattered to the four corners of the world there is no telling where their current whereabouts are. That was until this past Monday, when Cousin Felipe received an e-mail from a reader who identified himself as “Trojae.”
BREAKING NEWS: ASTEROID 2012 DA14, CONSPIRACY THEORIES, RUSSIAN ‘METERORITES’ AND THE RETURN OF THE ANCIENT ALIENS
By Rock Mayock 1:00 a.m. | On Friday afternoon at approximately 12:44 p.m. PT, the 150 foot wide asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will be racing toward planet Earth at an estimated speed of 17,500 mph. Although space debris hurtling toward Earth is not unusual, what makes this event so significant is the narrowest of margins (relatively speaking) that 2012 DA14 will pass Earth’s orbit. This particular asteroid will come within only 17,200 miles of striking the Earth. Lets place this in perspective.
By Rock Mayock 5:30 p.m. | Earlier this week our friends at www.deadspin.com broke a story more unbelievable than Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III convincing Cousin Felipe’s mom that he smells like tropical body lotion because he got a job managing a Victoria’s Secret at the Cerritos Mall. According to deadspin, former Notre Dame star linebacker Manti Te’o is either the victim of a catfish Internet scam of epic proportions or he has been complicit in one of the lamest lies ever fabricated.
By Rock Mayock 8:00 a.m. | Mercifully the 2012 election season has finally come to an end. As a result we will no longer be inundation with crap junk mail, negative television ads and cheap sound bites of political candidates promising “change” and a “return to greatness.” This reprieve is not without its price. This reprieve is dependent upon all of us exercising our most fundamental right as Americans, the right to vote. Therefore no one has a right to bitch and complain about who becomes the 45th President of the United States unless he/she actually makes the effort to cast a vote. If you live in LA County and you’re not sure where to vote the click on this link for assistance.