REMINDER: THE 2013 LOS ANGELES MAYORAL ELECTION IS TUESDAY, MARCH 5
By Rock Mayock 11:00 p.m. | Good evening wonderful readers. As almost nobody knows, tomorrow is Election Day in the city of Los Angeles. What’s at stake in this election? The right to succeed Antonio Villaraigosa as Mayor of our fair city, police and fire department pay raises, sales tax and the future likelihood of an NFL franchise moving to Los Angeles. How is one supposed to render a decision regarding a topic with such limited coverage?
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BREAKING NEWS! DARRYL “DOUBLETAP” JENKINS III SPOTTED AT THE 2013 DAYTONA 500 WITH NASCAR SUPERSTAR KEVIN HARVICK
By Rock Mayock 4:00 a.m. | As we know the FOOTBALLPHDS’ home office has been a virtual ghost town over the past 12 months. Rock Mayock has been shuttling back and forth to Amsterdam attempting to establish the FOOTBALLPHDS’ European headquarters, Jaboner Jackson went native in the jungles of Brazil and Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III has been gallivanting around the globe with Cousin Felipe’s mom. With the PhDs scattered to the four corners of the world there is no telling where their current whereabouts are. That was until this past Monday, when Cousin Felipe received an e-mail from a reader who identified himself as “Trojae.”
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BREAKING NEWS: ASTEROID 2012 DA14, CONSPIRACY THEORIES, RUSSIAN ‘METERORITES’ AND THE RETURN OF THE ANCIENT ALIENS
By Rock Mayock 1:00 a.m. | On Friday afternoon at approximately 12:44 p.m. PT, the 150 foot wide asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will be racing toward planet Earth at an estimated speed of 17,500 mph. Although space debris hurtling toward Earth is not unusual, what makes this event so significant is the narrowest of margins (relatively speaking) that 2012 DA14 will pass Earth’s orbit. This particular asteroid will come within only 17,200 miles of striking the Earth. Lets place this in perspective.
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CATFISH, FAKE GIRL FRIENDS, DEAD FAKE GIRL FRIENDS, MANTI TE’O AND THE BIGGEST WTF STORY OF 2013
By Rock Mayock 5:30 p.m. | Earlier this week our friends at www.deadspin.com broke a story more unbelievable than Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III convincing Cousin Felipe’s mom that he smells like tropical body lotion because he got a job managing a Victoria’s Secret at the Cerritos Mall. According to deadspin, former Notre Dame star linebacker Manti Te’o is either the victim of a catfish Internet scam of epic proportions or he has been complicit in one of the lamest lies ever fabricated.
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BREAKING NEWS: TV HOST HUELL HOWSER DEAD AT 67
By Rock Mayock 11:00 p.m. | Sad news has accompanied the start of 2013. The long time KCET and PBS host of California’s Gold, Huell Howser, passed away early this morning. He was only 67 years old.
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REMINDER: NOVEMBER 6 IS ELECTION DAY
By Rock Mayock 8:00 a.m. | Mercifully the 2012 election season has finally come to an end. As a result we will no longer be inundation with crap junk mail, negative television ads and cheap sound bites of political candidates promising “change” and a “return to greatness.” This reprieve is not without its price. This reprieve is dependent upon all of us exercising our most fundamental right as Americans, the right to vote. Therefore no one has a right to bitch and complain about who becomes the 45th President of the United States unless he/she actually makes the effort to cast a vote. If you live in LA County and you’re not sure where to vote the click on this link for assistance.
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HOW TO SURVIVE CARMAGEDDON 2
By Rock Mayock 9:00 a.m. | As we know this weekend Caltrans will be removing the other half of the Mullholland Drive Bridge which will force the complete closure of the 405 Freeway between the 10 and 101 Freeways. Even though the FOOTBALLPHDS neither live in nor frequent the San Fernando Valley, we are acutely aware that the 405 Freeway serves as a vital artery that connects the South Bay, West Side and Long Beach to the Valley. As part of the FOOTBALLPHDS never ongoing effort to alleviate unnecessary stress for our wonderful readers, we bring you yet another PSA on how to survive in the City of Angels.
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BREAKING NEWS: VINCE YOUNG IS BROKE
By Rock Mayock 9:00 a.m. | Our friends at Fox Sports brought us stunning news today. According to Fox, former Texas Longhorns standout and #3 overall pick in the 2006 NFL Draft Vince Young is flat ass broke. How did VY burn through his $26 million guaranteed money from the Tennessee Titans? Supposedly a series of bad business relationships which include VY’s long time agent, Major Adams, and financial planner, Ronnie Peoples, have been identified as causes for VY’s indebtedness. Through their attorneys, both Adams and Peoples have asserted that VY’s spending habits, not their wrongdoings, is the culprit for his predicament. Apparently late nights at the club and getting into fights with strippers are not sound investment strategies. Perhaps it’s time that we revisit the always controversial Wonderlic debate.
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