THE JUGS BELONG TO…
By Rock Mayock 9:00 a.m.| The FOOTBALLPHDS’ Human Resources Manager, Rochelle! Ever since she joined the FOOTBALLPHDS in September 2011, Rochelle has become an indispensible part of the team. Her straight forward progressive decision making has been instrumental in terms of expanding both the FOOTBALLPHDS’ organization and the brand. Without her guidance it would have been impossible for the PhDs to retain the services of 2 research assistants, a barista, personal trainer, photo assistant and staff mathematician. Despite all of her talents, Rochelle has labeled our month long celebration of “The Jugs of June” as masochistic and without taste. Nonetheless, we would like to thank Rochelle for kind of sort of agreeing to take part in this month’s festivities.
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BRITTANY LAUREN’S WORK OUT OF THE DAY
By Brittany Lauren, the FOOTBALLPHDS’ personal trainer, 10:00 a.m. | First things first, Memorial Weekend in Cancun was AWESOME! The people are nice, the food is good, the air/water are clean, my tan is fierce and everyone is in great shape. Imagine my disappointment when I came home and found all three of my boys a physical mess. How did DoubleTap, Jaboner and Rock get so gordo so fast? It might have something to do with the boxes of Porto’s empanadas, empty bottles of Pliny, discarded Takis bags and a half eaten chocoflan that I found in Rock’s office. These porkers need to get their act together fast because Speedo season is only 2 weeks away.
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SPECIAL RESEARCH ASSISTANT PRIYA’S TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE FOOTBALLPHDS ARE OFFICIALLY OLD
By Priya, staff mathematician, 2:30 p.m. | Things used to be slow around the office until Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins caught me watching YouTube clips instead of working on spreadsheets. He said that he doesn’t think that I’m “hungry enough” to be part of the FOOTBALLPHDS’ research staff because I should be hustling to find material for the PhDs to break down. I tried to tell Darryl that it’s not my fault that neither Jaboner nor Mayock assigned me any work to do but he didn’t want any part of that. He said to stop making excuses and start creating results. I guess he’s right.
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FAST AND FURIOUS 7 SPOILER
By Jessica C. at 6 p.m. | Fast and Furious 6 is hardly out of the gates and the FOOTBALLPHDS are already looking forward to Fast and Furious 7. When shaved heads, V8s, and scantily clad women combine, the offices shut down. Since Rock Mayock and Jaboner Jackson are trying to buy a mechanic shop in Compton to live out their wannabe Fast and Furious fantasies, I tracked down Doubletap Jenkins III for the inside scoop on Fast 7. Here's all you need to know about Vin Diesel and the gang. SPOILERS!
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THE COMPLETE 2013 PAC-12 FOOTBALL SCHEDULE
By Pac-12 Research Assistant Lina, 10:30 p.m. | What’s up boys, it’s Lina! I feel like I’m back from the dead after surviving the NFL Combine in cold ass Indy. You know nothing recharges my soul like hot weather, cold beer, big weed and Alice in Chains. That’s why I spent Memorial Day getting my summer grove on after pouring out some liquor for the soldiers who paid the ultimate price protecting our nation.
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COUSIN FELIPE’S BEST OF THE WEB
By Felipe Trinidad, webmaster, 12:00 a.m. | It’s cool that my cousins are back in town but they are reverting back to their abusive behavior. They’re always yelling at me about something. They’re all like “Felipe! The Twitter feed isn’t working!,” “Felipe! Stop playing SWKOTOR!,” “Felipe! My password to massagegirls18 expired!” Blah, blah, blah, blah. I love my cousins and everything but I wish the would get their crap together. If they’re always all up in my grill how am I supposed to keep all up to date on my hina Zuleyka Silver. I don’t know what happened to my baby girl after she got eliminated from Neustra Belleza Latina. I find their lack of consideration and understanding to be abusive.
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FAST AND FURIOUS 6 REVIEW
By Jessica C. at 2 p.m. | Nothing has been as hyped around the FOOTBALLPHDS offices as Fast and Furious 6. Doubletap Jenkins III was able to get the team into the media screening this week of Justin Lin's latest car mash-up, which is set to launch in the U.S. over Memorial Day weekend. After watching the movie, Rock Mayock and Jaboner Jackson both wanted to write the review. But who wants to read a movie review that just says "boing!" over and over again? I sure didn't.
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INTRODUCING MELODY, THE FOOTBALLPHDS’ OFFICE ACTIVITIES COORDINATOR
By Rock Mayock, photos by Edwin “EJ” Jiminez, 12:00 a.m. | 2012 was tumultuous year for the FOOTBALLPHDS. Jaboner Jackson went missing in the jungles of Brazil, Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III reportedly eloped with Cousin Felipe’s mom and the PhDs suffered significant financial losses due to a series of bad positions in the international currency market. Despite these setbacks, the PhDs have rebounded with a vengeance. Jaboner Jackson has returned from Brazil, DoubleTap was seen at the Daytona 500 along side with Kevin Harvick and the Fast & Furious 6 release is just around the corner. In short, things are looking up. To assure this good fortune is celebrated appropriately, Rochelle has taken it upon herself to hire an office activities coordinator. As with all of Rochelle’s previous personnel decisions, she has found the most attractive and highly qualified candidate available. Please welcome the FOOTBALLPHDS’ Office Activities Coordinator, Melody.
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