By Jessica C. at 3 a.m.

5. Nate McMillan | This former player is known to be a player's coach. In fact, all coaches these days are known to be player's coaches. Look for Sterling to bring this retread in for an interview to mess up everything good that's happened to the Clippers over the past three years.

4. Phil Jackson | This ain't going to happen but Rock Mayock and Doubletap Jenkins III are obsessed with his Zen management style, which they say is infinitely better than anyone not named John Wooden. But there's no way that Sterling hires somebody from the crosstown rivals. Phil is staying retired.

3. Al Davis' Ghost | This was the favorite of Jaboner Jackson, who thought that the Clippers would do great with a man-corner defense and vertical passing game. Stop living in the past, Jaboner. Let the guy rest in peace.

2. Lionel Hollins | This is the popular choice in the media but it's complete crap. Sterling doesn't hire coaches who are going to actually need to get paid. He's on the list only because everyone thinks he's going to coach the Clippers.

1. Alvin Gentry | Another retread, another mediocre coach. Let's see…fired this year? Check. Never won jack crap? Check. Yep, sounds about right to me. This is the kind of coach that Sterling gets. Come on, Sterling…haven't we Clippers fans suffered enough? If it weren't for my boo Blake, I'd have nothing to cheer about.  Clips will hire Gentry and we’ll all be worse off.

Jessica C., Research Assistant

To combat my cousins’ abusive behavior I’ve been surfing the web hard to find things to cheer me up. Rochelle and Jessica C. told me that kitty cats playing the piano might make me feel less abused but they only remind me of Darryl. So I asked Stanton if he had any ideas. He told me to follow my spirit guide and gave me some Rice Krispy treats that kind of smelled. I’m not sure what he was talking about but I felt funny after I ate the Rice Krispy treats. The good news is that I found some cool stuff that made me forget about by cousins’ abusiveness.

****

Every day my cousins are texting me “BOING! I LOVE VIN DIESEL!” “BOING! TOM BRADY IS SO HUNKY!” “BOING! I BOUGHT A MOPAR DODGE DART!” “BOING! I GOT FELIPE’S MOM PREGOS!”

I think it’s weird how my cousins get so excited about dudes and cars but the Dodge Dart commercial is cool because it has The Rock in it. The Rock was awesome as Roadblock in GI Joe Retaliation. I took Mariah to watch the movie and she agreed that The Rock is cool. For some reason Mariah asked to call me Duane all night. I thought that was funny because The Rock’s real name is Dwayne Johnson. Mariah is crazy sometimes.

****

My sister Patty said I have an unhealthy obsession with Zuleyka Silver because I downloaded so many pictures of her. Patty doesn’t know what she’s talking about because Zuleyka is a princess and I know she likes me. I e-mailed her 17 times last week but she never got back to me. I think she’s still upset that she lost to that skank Marisela Demontecristo. I’m still mad for Zuleyka but I could never be mad at her.

****

My sister Patty got me into Nuestras Belleza Latina. It’s kind of like America’s Next Top Model only the girls are pretty and the judges wear red/gold blazers. I’m excited because they are going to start doing auditions for the next season. I hope I find the next Zuleyka at the Henderson regional auditions.

****

The coolest thing I found online was the trailer for the new Percy Jackson movie, Sea of Monsters. The first movie was so cool because Percy was a demi god and he didn’t know it until that guy with winged Converse told him. I wish I was a demi god because maybe my cousins wouldn’t pick on me. I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously though the movie.

Felipe Trinidad

admin@footballphds.com

By Rock Mayock 9:00 a.m. |

We all know that Magic Johnson and his Guggenheim Baseball Management team have high on the field expectations for their $2 billion acquisition. These expectations have been fueled by an unprecedented flurry of spending on both stadium improvements and salary commitments. At a staggering $216 million in salary obligations, the Dodgers currently have the second highest payroll in baseball behind only the New York Yankees. Unfortunately for Dodgers fans the team has little to show for their investment.

With a current record of 17-25 (.405), the Blue Crew are tied with the second to worst record in the National League. The team is dead last in the NL West, a full 7 games behind division leading Arizona. With mounting expenditures and little to show for their efforts, it’s time for Guggenheim to make a decision about who will lead the franchise. Enter Mike Scioscia.

All Dodger fans remember Mike Scioscia as the venerable old fat catcher who went on to the crosstown rival Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (better known as the California Angels) and won a World Series. Unfortunately for Scioscia, his luck as of late hasn’t been too good either. With a record of 17-27 (.386), Sciocia’s Angels have a better winning percentage than only the lowly Houston Astros in both their Division and League. Seeing as though Angels owner Arte Moreno has stroked the check on high priced free agents such as Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton and CJ Wilson but has failed to reap any of the rewards for doing so. As a result, Scioscia’s days with the team were limited entering the season and the on the field product is not winning him any new supporters in the front office.

Therefore the FOOTBALLPHDS predict the firing of both Mattingly and Scioscia are imminent. Once relieved of his duties in Anaheim, Scioscia will be invariably welcomed back into his rightful home at Chavez Ravine.  Conversely, Mattingly will likely end up finding work in the San Fernando Valley assuming that he regrows his 1980’s porn star power stache. Such is the word of the PhDs.

Rock

rock@footballphds.com

By Rock Mayock 5:00 p.m. | 

Janine retired from the world of adult entertainment in 1999 to pursue a career as a kindergarten teacher. Imagine those parent teacher conferences, BOING! BOING! BOING! This retirement would prove to be short lived because she returned to porn 5 years later, only this time heavily tattooed and making the plunge into hardcore boy/girl action.

After failed marriages to former Monster Garage star Jesse James and adult film producer Jeremy Aikman, Janine’s career and popularity have continued a downward spiral into obscurity. Her proclivity for tattoos, inclusive of the “fuck you” neck tattoos, as well as cartoonishly augmented breasts have made her nothing more than a dying ember of her former hotness. It is truly sad how quickly good things go bad.

Speaking of bad things, congratulations to drinkthekoolaid for both surfacing and naming the neck tattoo. Cousin Felipe will contact you shortly to discuss your two prize options: A VHS copy of Blonde Justice 2 or a XS FOOTBALLPHDS t-shirt. Good luck on making that decision!

Check in later this weekend for another opportunity to win a fabulous prize from Felipe’s Bag of Fun. Until then, feel free to check out some of Janine’s old material on xvideos, spankwire or youporn. Enjoy!

Rock

rock@footballphds.com

By Jessica C. at 2 p.m.

Fast 6 is the fourth of the franchise that Justin Lin has directed. If you've seen Fast 5 and the relaunch before that, Fast and Furious, you know what to expect. There is lots of homoerotic hugging, fighting, and car chasing. There is also a plot somewhere, something about The Rock getting the Fast gang together to stop some international terrorist/thief. Basically, you know the drill, especially if you read footballphds.com, since the mancrushing on Vin Diesel and The Rock has been nonstop since the Super Bowl.

So instead of the usual review, here's what I overhead during the media screening from the FOOTBALLPHDS (they were asked to be quiet at least four times by others in the theater…very embarrassing.) I'll leave it up to you to decipher who said what, although it shouldn't be hard. One more thing--there's a trailer of sorts during the credits…for Fast and Furious 7. So stick around until the very end.

"Where is the Dodge Dart? And where is Hunky Tom Brady?"

"The only way this movie could be hunkier is if Tom Brady and Carson Palmer were in a Dodge Dart."

"That tank reminds me of Matt Leinart versus Notre Dame…just destroying fools!"

"When are we taking drifting lessons?"

"I just boinged in my pants." (Said after the mandatory montage shot of skanky chicks dancing around cars…sigh…so damn predictable.)

"If AEG wants to get a football team, they need to hire Vin Diesel to beat the crap out of the NFL and force them to relocate the Rams here."

"I think I need to go home now and make love to my wife."

Jessica C., Research Assistant

By Rock Mayock 11:00 p.m. |

In honor or National Masturbation Month, the FOOTBALLPHDS will pay homage to an elite class of beauties that helped shape the FOOTBALLPHDS adolescent years. Here are a handful of hints about our first individual:

1. Having spent over 15 years in “The Biz,” this individual is not stranger to adult entertainment.

2. Those 15 years have not been kind to this individual. You will be shocked and amazed by the before/after pics.

3. This individual also proves the more is often times less, especially when dealing with tattoos or plastic surgery.

If you can identify the owner of these tattoos, then e-mail your best and final answer to either Cousin Felipe (admin@footballphds.com) or myself (rock@footballphds.com). You can also include your e-mail address in your comment to this post. As a refresher on the contest rules, we will only accept one answer per person per week and there are take backs. All answers must be received by 5:00 p.m. on Thursday, May 16, 2013. Both the owner of the tats and the winner will be announced on Friday, May 17, 2013.

Rock

rock@footballphds.com

By Rock Mayock, photos by Edwin “EJ” Jiminez, 12:00 a.m. | 

****

Rock:  Greetings Melody. Rochelle has been singing your praises for the past couple of weeks. Tell me what role she hired you to fulfill.

Melody:  Ha ha. Rochelle said you would give me the nine degrees. I am your official Office Activities Coordinator, which basically means I’m responsible for setting up parties and stuff.

Rock:  I’m not going to lie to you, that sounds like a colossal waste of money. Why isn’t Rochelle doing the party planning? Speaking of parties, when is the last time we had an office party? I thought DoubleTap banned company sponsored holiday parties 9 years ago.

Melody:  Exactly! That’s why Rochelle hired me. She said that you guys are putting too much work on her plate so she needs someone to help her blow off some steam. I’m gonna make sure you guys have some kick ass ragers here. EDC will look like a middle school dance compared to what we have cracking. My question for you is, are you ready?

Rock:  Somehow I feel like I’m being bamboozled, yet at the same time I am oddly aroused. What skills are you bringing to the table to accomplish this claim?

Melody:  Uh… Look at me? Kidding. For real though. I was studying to become a professional classical dancer, ballet, and jazz dancer before I started having hip problems. That doesn’t mean I still can’t shake my ass like I mean it.

Rock:  I like where you’re going with this. Tell me more about the ass shaking.

Melody:  You’re starting to sound like that perv Felipe. Am I supposed to report this to Rochelle?

Rock:  My deepest apologies. I didn’t mean any harm. What will be your first office activity coordinating endeavor?

Melody:  There’s only one thing that is worthy of the FOOTBALLPHDS’ attendance, a Fast and Furious 6 Launch Party!

Rock:  BOING! Welcome on board!

MEET MELODY VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Rock

rock@footballphds.com

By Jaboner Jackson 8 a.m.

House Speaker Will Weatherford and Legislative Action

The Dolphins had been seeking almost $400 million in public monies for renovations to Sun Life Stadium. The Dolphins had supported a referendum that would have earmarked $289 million from a Miami-Dade hotel tax increase towards stadium renovations. The proposal also would have added approximately $90 million in state sales tax rebates to the Dolphins. In order to pass the legislation, the Dolphins had bankrolled a special election for Miami-Dade County residents that would have taken place on May 14. However, Florida lawmakers decided to end the current 60-day legislative session without hearing the stadium bill. Accordingly, the legislature recessed without voting on it.

In particular, House Speaker Will Weatherford from the Wesley Chapel district of Florida has drawn the ire of Ross and the Dolphins.  Ross said in a statement that "I am certain this decision [of not passing the bill] will follow Speaker Weatherford for years to come." If such a statement sounds like a thinly veiled threat, it probably is, and if it is not an actual threat to campaign against Weatherford, it is at least a tantrum. The Dolphins have no right to public monies, despite Ross' assertion to the contrary. Furthermore, the Florida legislature has no obligation to special interests, of which Ross certainly represents. Unlike AEG's Tim Leiweke, who had been able to push through eleventh hour stadium legislation in California in 2011 for favorable CEQA treatments, Ross has proven not only inept in politics but decidedly out of touch with reality as well.

NFL in LA and Miami Dolphins

Neither Farmers Field nor Los Angeles Stadium is happening, which makes insinuations of relocation to Los Angeles laughable, particularly since such threats are often made after public monies for stadium construction are threatened. The financial reality trumps perception, and the reality is that funding both a stadium and relocation to Los Angeles is a multibillion dollar process. Furthermore, the process in Los Angeles must be privately financed. However, the NFL has never wanted to fund its own stadiums and has no desire to start doing so now.

Stadium Game Theory and Collusion

Stadium Game Theory is a footballphds.com concept that demonstrates how municipalities should act in order to retain their NFL teams without public outlays.

First let us examine the role of collusion. The NFL has legal antitrust protections to act collusively in negotiating television contracts. In 1961, United States Congress passed legislature for the NFL to negotiate television contracts as a whole, rather than being required to do so as individual teams. As a consequence to such legally collusive efforts, the NFL has been able to reap huge financial gain, especially since the bulk of the NFL's revenues come from lucrative television contracts.

However, the NFL does not have legal antitrust protection regarding other aspects of its business. Exemption outside of negotiating television contracts was dealt a blow by the United States Supreme Court in 2010 in American Needle v. NFL, in which the Supreme Court conclusively determined by unanimous vote that the NFL is composed of 32 separate business entities rather than one single entity composed of 32 teams. Accordingly, the NFL is susceptible to Section 1 of the Sherman Antitrust Act. Basically, the NFL cannot legally conspire in its business dealings except in the case of negotiating television contracts.

But there is no doubt that the NFL does act collectively. In fact, the salary cap demonstrates such action. Teams are not free to spend how they see fit. Rather they are bound to collectively-determined spending parameters. Furthermore, teams cannot acquire collegiate talent as they see fit. They must participate in the NFL Draft. Nonetheless, NFL Players do not litigate against the NFL for antitrust violations because they have collectively agreed through the NFL Players Association not do so as part of the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Accordingly, municipalities should act similarly as the NFL. Stadium Game Theory states that municipalities should act cooperatively when dealing with stadium construction. If no municipality offers to provide any public monies for any NFL stadium, the NFL will be forced to finance its own operations rather than relying on handouts. No team will have an incentive to relocate.

Stadium Game Theory Table: Yes or No for Public Monies?

As can be seen by the Table above, all municipalities must agree to forgo public monies in order to reap mutual benefit.

Conclusion

Stay strong, Miami-Dade. Use that tax money for better purposes rather than funding the NFL's already profitable operations. And for the other municipalities out there, do the same. Follow Footballphds.com's Stadium Game Theory and you will be in good financial shape rather than having buyer's remorse over a stadium deal that drains the coffers for decades to come.

Jaboner Jackson