By Rock Mayock 10:00 p.m. | On February 12, 2014, Hollywood will unleash its latest insult upon the American people. After successfully ruining The Karate Kid, Total Recall, Conan and Red Dawn; Hollywood has set its sights upon sodomizing yet another 80’s classic, RoboCop.
By Felipe Trinidad, Webmaster at 3:30 p.m. | After dozens of false starts, it looks like the entire group of FOOTBALLPHDS are back in Los Angeles! Rock Mayock, Doubletap Jenkins III, and Jaboner Jackson have all been spotted at LAX by Wonderful Readers—or technically at the Bare Elegance gentlemen’s club near LAX. Here are the text message I’ve received from the PHDS (who have become known as the GEDs around the barren offices lately) since Monday night—and my actions to them:
By Rock Mayock, photos by Edwin “EJ” Jiminez, 9:30 p.m. | Greetings wonderful readers. For years the FOOTBALLPHDS have been sharing our profound mystical understanding of the most delectable brews. Although our trek up and down the West Coast has been both fruitful and fulfilling, at some point in time one must turn the reigns over to a new generation to continue the journey. Today we officially hand the keys to the FOOTBALLPHDS’ beer wagon to our newest research assistant, the lovely and talented Ryan (yes, Ryan has a boy’s name but make no mistake, she is not a he). Without further ado, meet the FOOTBALLPHDS’ official brew master, Ryan.
By Jessica C., Research Assistant, 1 p.m. | Well look at this…the FOOTBALLPHDS are actually trying to get back to work after what seems like a decade of vacation. This means there are a lot of “WORK” songs being blared at the offices this week, even though they still aren’t actually working. (Note to PHDs: Doing kettle bell swings and pushups while watching Martha Stewart is not considered “work.”) Which is the right “WORK” song to get your boss off your back? Battle…and winner ahead.
By Rock Mayock 11:00 p.m. | While Jaboner and I allow our hammers to swing freely at the Sao Paulo nudist colony, we received disturbing news from Cousin Felipe. Felipe was able to pull himself away from Internet porn just long enough to shoot a quick email notifying us that Los Angeles/Long Beach car selling legend Cal Worthington passed away Sunday night from old age. For those of our wonderful readers who are not acquainted with Cal; here is a brief synopsis of the man, his life and why he holds a special place in the FOOTBALLPHDS’ collective hearts.
By Felipe Trinidad 1 p.m. | The FOOTBALLPHDS are all about their "Death Spirals" these days--the NFL is in a Death Spiral because of Roger Goodell, the PAC-12 is in a Death Spiral because of Larry Scott, and Apple is in a Death Spiral because of Tim Cook. Personally, I think the FOOTBALLPHDS are in a Death Spiral because they are always off traveling and never in the offices anymore. Nonetheless, articles must be written--and this makes yours truly the Man of the Hour. Of course, the FOOTBALLPHDS will not let me have any original ideas, so here are the things they have iMessaging all of us in the office for the past week as they float around nudist colonies in Brazil or do whatever they're doing these days.
By Rock Mayock 8:30 a.m. | If you have any unused sick time at your disposal, today is the day to use it. You’re going to need the time off because today is the day for both the FOOTBALLPHDS and our wonderful readers to celebrate Vin “Dom Toretto” Diesel’s 46th birthday. It is only natural that we would want to honor the man who has brought us hunky classics such as The Fast and the Furious, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Fast and Furious, Fast Five, Fast & Furious Six, XXX, Boiler Room, The Chronicles of Riddick and The Pacifier. Therefore the FOOTBALLPHDS have put together our top 3 ways to celebrate Vin’s big day.
Interview by Rock Mayock, photos by Edwin “EJ” Jiminez, 10:00 a.m.| It’s no secret that the FOOTBALLPHDS have enjoyed a globe trotting lifestyle ever since we cashed in on our Lehman Bros golden parachute money. Despite its superficial appeal, jet setting around the world a la Mr. Worldwide entails a significant investment in both time and planning. Cousin Felipe used to book our itineraries, however providing a disgruntled tween with unfettered access to the PhDs’ Centurion Card turned out to be a bad idea. As a result, the PhDs have been forced to book our own travel arrangements however this has proven to be taxing because KAYAK simply isn’t the site that it used to be. Therefore our intrepid Human Resources Manager, Rochelle, was assigned the task of finding a lovely and talented in house travel agent. Needless to say, Rochelle hit the ball out of the park with her newest hire. Without further ado, let’s meet the FOOTBALLPHDS’ office travel agent, Lulu.