By Rock Mayock 1:00 a.m. | As we know, last Thursday was Valentine’s Day. If you are like the FOOTBALLPHDS then you reject Valentine’s Day as a legitimate holiday and instead recognize it as another day the wretches at Hallmark have tricked the American consumer base into spending money on.
Through our collective 17 imperfect unions, the FOOTBALLPHDS learned long ago there is absolutely no need to waste money on roses or over priced dinner for your “Valentine.” This position is derived from the unique combination of personal experience coupled with practical knowledge. At the end of the day your Valentine is probably not the person you really want to BOING!.
In all likelihood you would probably want to BOING! the hot hostess at the restaurant you just dropped $300 on instead of your Valentine. The cute girl at the flower shop was more BOING! worthy. The slutty chick working the valet booth is more BOING! worthy too. It’s not because they are socially, professionally or physically superior to your significant other; it’s because they are different.
What this conundrum distills down to in its simplest form is that we all secretly long for some booty call. Someone who is simultaneously so smoking hot and vacuous that it makes you want to BOING! in your pants. Basically we all want Kelly Bundy! Here is two BOINGS! up for Kelly Bundy.