By Rock Mayock, photos by Edwin “EJ” Jiminez, 8:00 a.m. : After months of plodding along without the contributions of Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III and Jaboner Jackson, our intrepid HR Manager Rochelle M. decided it was time to recruit assistance for office stalwarts Cousin Felipe and Rock Mayock. In typical Rochelle fashion, she elected to pursue an unconventional answer for the FOOTBALLPHDS staffing conundrum. Instead of bringing in additional writing talent she brought in a personal trainer to get the remaining staff’s collective asses in shape. In the words of Rochelle “maybe you would be more productive if you weren’t so flabby.” Well said Rochelle, well said. Without further ado please welcome the newest addition to the FOOTBALLPHDS staff, Brittany Lauren.
Rock: Brittany! Welcome on board. It’s a pleasure to welcome you into the FOOTBALLPHDS family. Should I be calling you Brittany, Lauren or Brittany Lauren?
Brittany Lauren: Most people call me Brittany Lauren but you can call me Brittany. Either one works.
Rock: Right on. So Rochelle tells me that you’re going to get our asses into shape. Be honest, the FOOTBALLPHDS are already pretty hunky aren’t we?
Brittany Lauren: Oh… Rochelle told me you’d ask questions like this. Bradley Cooper and Zac Efron are hunky. You guys are not quite there yet but you will be. Give me 6-8 weeks and you’re going to look and feel great. Don’t you want to feel good?
Rock: The better question is, who doesn’t want to feel good? If you think we can get us in Bradley Cooper shape I’m in. So tell me a little about yourself. What makes you a good trainer?
Brittany Lauren: Just look at me, I’m a sexy beast. Kidding! Don’t be so serious, we’re here to have fun and get in shape. If you want proof I can totally demonstrate 25lbs seated curls, squat lunges, military presses or whatever weak point training you want to focus on. Personally I would like to do some base level testing with you to gauge your fast and slow twitch muscle development.
Rock: Holy Crap! You really sound like a fitness guru. Watch out Bob Harper.
Brittany Lauren: I hope you know flattering me won’t win you any brownie points in the gym. I’m here to do a job.
Rock: A consummate professional. I love it and I’m sold. Is there anything else our wonderful readers should know about you?
Brittany Lauren: Let’s see… If I had to pick a favorite sport it would be swimming. I think Twilight is the worst movie ever made. I’m also hopeful that once I get you boys into fighting shape that maybe you’ll let me do some event planning or something for you.
Rock: Don’t “sweat” it… Get it? Let’s get our workout on and then take it from there. Welcome aboard.
Brittany Lauren: Great! Now give me 50 burpees. No breaks and you better clap your hands every time you pop up.
Edwin Jimenez is one of the FOOTBALLPHDS' team photographers. He can be found scouring Los Angeles to bring both the city and football to life via his photography. You can contact him email@example.com.