By Darryl "Doubletap" Jenkins III 2pm | Let me qualify right off the bat --- this post is, and will go down as one of the most important, and compelling posts I write. It's no secret that wet wipes aren't just for babies. If you're an adult, and are not wiping your ass with wet tissue either exclusively or in conjunction with regular toilet paper, then you are missing out on some major shit in your life! That extra boost in confidence missing when trying to chat up and ultimately smash that girl or guy you've been eying may be a direct result of not using wet wipes. Having a not fresh and clean ass may be the very reason you got passed over for that promotion. Oh it's true. Every employee at the PHD offices - men AND women - all swear by the use of wet wipes, and the two brands of choice --- COTTONELLE FRESH and KIRKLAND MOIST, FLUSHABLE WIPES --- are the two most heated rivals, and go up against each other here.
I have no one other than Rock Mayock's mother (HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MAMA MAYOCK!) for enlightening me to the fresh-and-so-clean-clean world of wet wipes back when Rock, Jaboner and I were in High School. We were on our way to the USC-UCLA football game (a painful one-point loss in Larry Smith's last year as coach). Before we headed out for the game, Mama Mayock handed Rock some individual packets of Cottonelle Fresh wet wipes. Not knowing what they were, I asked Mama Mayock if they were condoms. She explained to me what they were and then said to me, "Do your eye like winking at girls with crap in it? Neither does your butthole." Never, and I mean NEVER, were truer and wiser words said to me.
So for years we were endorsers of the Cottonelle Fresh wet wipes until we discovered the KIRKLAND MOIST, FLUSHABLE WIPES. Cottonelle wipes have a nice scent, but it's a bit strong, and also, the wetness of the wipes is a bit dense, so you almost have to kinda wipe with regular toilet paper after you use the wet wipe. [It's a little known fact that when Rock dropped his Galaxy S smartphone into the toilet at the NFL Combine, his hands were a bit slick on account of having just gotten done using a Cottonelle.] The Kirkland Moist, Flushable wipes essentially took the Cottonelle wipes and bettered it on every level. The scent is lighter & crisper, and the the wetness of each wipe is perfect: because the wipes aren't overly lathered, the wipes have stronger absorbtion and pick-me-up power. Also, whereas the Cottonelle wipes has a dispenser in which you have to load in the refill packs, the Kirkland wipes are SoloPacks, each with its own plastic dispenser top --- talk about convenient!
The PHDs still use Cottonelle wipes because they make individual packets and smaller sized packs with 10 sheets (perfect for attending games or holiday trips/vacation), but at home and at the office, Kirkland wipes live with us. Even with the lack of individual/smaller packets though, Kirkland edges out Cottonelle by six and a half ass-cheeks.
And as for today's USC-UCLA game, Tommy Trojan and Traveler will have the Kirkland edge over Joe and Josie Bruin. USC wins 45-20.