By Jaboner Jackson with All Photos by “Stanton” Jack | It is no secret that the FOOTBALLPHDS have a busy schedule. When we are not blogging about the NFL in LA, Man Crushes, Staches, Casual Dining Battles, and K Life, we are traveling the country to bring you the inside scoop on all things related to the NFL and NCAA Football (and settling our alimony cases with our various ex-wives in the various fifty states). We are not afraid to admit that we have Research Assistants upon whom we rely to help us deliver the most timely and accurate analysis and prophesies. Today, we bring you our resident AFC West Research Assistant, Jessica C., who has a special passion for the San Diego Chargers. While some of our Wonderful Readers will undoubtedly jump straight to Stanton’s gallery of Jessica, we recommend that you first acquaint yourself with Jessica’s unique views on all things Chargers.
First of all, the FOOTBALLPHDS want to thank you for your excellent research work, Jessica. We are not quite sure how we landed such an intelligent and attractive research assistant but we are appreciative of your wonderful work.
Thanks, Jaboner. But I think you still owe me three months back pay.
Uh, yes. The check is in the mail, of course. Cousin Felipe will get that right out to you whenever he stops surfing the internet for porn. But let’s not worry about money. Let’s turn our attentions to football and the AFC West. Why are the San Diego Chargers going to win the AFC West in 2011?
The Chargers have the best quarterback in the AFC West in Philip G. Rivers. In fact, in 2011 he will be the best quarterback in the entire NFL as well. This is the year that Rivers catapults himself past Tom Brady and Peyton Manning to secure the title of “Best Quarterback.” Rivers simply makes players around him better. Last year he had to make due with a hodgepodge of receivers and an inadequate running game yet he still performed at an elite level. For those of you who play Fantasy Football, put Rivers at the top of your quarterback list.
Rock Mayock is adamant that the reason for Rivers’ success is because he worked with Norm “The Guru” Chow in college. Mayock also says that Rivers has nice calves. Is this true?
Yes. Chow was a major influence in the development of Rivers. But let’s also not forget that Rivers was a coach’s son. He had the pedigree to succeed. His father instilled the competitive fire within him. Regarding the calves, I am not sure. I’ll leave that for Mayock to determine.
What is your pedigree, Jessica? How do you know so darn much about football?
My mother, Mama C., has always been a huge football fan. She instilled in me the sense of right and wrong and first downs and red zones. Unfortunately, she is a New England Patriots fan, which means that the Tutee—me—has surpassed the Tutor.
Rumor has it that you have planked Philip Rivers’ pickup truck. Is that true?
It may or may not be true that I have planked Philip Rivers truck six different times and I have planked Antonio Gates’ 1000 horsepower Hennessey CTS-V eight different times.
Is it wrong that the FOOTBALLPHDS are still Ghost Riding The Whip?
Hey, you have the right to be circa 2007 if you wish.
Thank you, Jessica. We are Ghost Riding our new team SUV, the 2012 Jeep SRT8, next time we go to Turnberry Towers. I hope you can Ghost Ride with us. Anyway, what about the rest of the AFC West?
The rest of the AFC West will have to play catch up to the Chargers. The Oakland Raiders have a new coach who actually doesn’t punch his assistants but are still lacking in the quarterback department. I like Jason Campbell but he needs to become more aggressive. He also needs playmakers at receiver. I worry about their offensive line too. They do have the best defensive line in the AFC West.
The Kansas City Chiefs have a chance of challenging the Chargers. They have explosive players on offense, including the second best running back in the league, Jamaal Charles. I like what Todd Haley has done with the team.
The Denver Broncos are just a mess though. I’m still baffled by their 2011 draft. Broncos fans need to think of 2011 as being one big practice year for Tim Tebow to learn the game.
Why is Norv Turner still coach of the Chargers? He has never won the big game.
Norv gets a bad rap. He’s an excellent coach. No one understands the X’s and O’s like he does. A team needs some luck to advance in the playoffs and this will be the year that Norv gets that good luck.
Some of our readers call Norv Turner “Leatherface.” I personally find this objectionable but what can Norv do to clear his complexion?
He should see his dermatologist. Renova does wonders, I am told. Otherwise, he can use an apricot scrub nightly. But Norv is sexy in his own way.
When are we Doing The Dougie again?
The Dougie is so last year. This year is all about Go-Go dancing. I love the creativity afforded by being on The Box. By the way, Jaboner, is it true that you have Shakira in your iPod?
Uh, no comment. How far will the Chargers go in 2011, Jessica?
Superbowl or bust, baby.