Doubletap Jenkins III 11:55pm PST | This past year, Terrell Owens let it be known that he was cast in an independent movie called DYSFUNCTIONAL FRIENDS, and the movie will play tomorrow and Saturday at the American Black Film Festival in Miami. Producers of the movie have done a nice job of keeping the story under wraps, but the PhDs have received a detailed account of what the movie entails.
According to our source - who was a key member of the film's production, DYSFUNCTIONAL FRIENDS is about nine friends who were all very close in college but since have become estranged. The nine friends are brought together at the funeral of one of their friends --- AND HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD. The deceased friend's will states that each friend will receive a large sum of money IF and only if, the nine estranged friends can spend a week together in the same house. No really, this is the premise of the movie. Now if Rock Mayock and I were mortal enemies and Jaboner Jackson dies and leaves us $250,000 each, with the stipulation that we have to live together for a week, it wouldn't be a problem. But not for these nine friends! Ohhhh no! They can't stand each other, and their individual patience is tested, and some threaten to leave the house before they can receive their inheritance! THE STAKES ARE HUGE!!!
In a stretch for him, T.O. plays a professional basketball player named "Jackson". He's engaged to one of the nine friends, "Lisa" - played by the BOING gorgeous Stacey Dash - and accompanies her to the week long live-in session inside the deceased friend's house. Lisa's old flame happens to be one of the friends, so this annoys Jackson. Another one of the nine friends is a professional groupie named "Storm" - played by the BOING BOING Stacy Kiebler - who we find out has a history with Jackson, so this annoys Lisa.
Sounds terrible? Well according to our source, to say that the movie is terrible would be a compliment. The movie apparently is SO BAD, that T.O.'s performance actually seems pretty good - if that makes sense. After hearing our source's full account of what the movie is about (trust us, we saved you the pain of reading a full synopsis) - we predict a straight to DVD play, even though there seems to be an OK cast (Tatyana Ali and Reagan Gomez-Preston add to the boing-meter).
NOTE TO KITA WILLIAMS & MONIQUE JACKSON: You two ladies are supposed to protect T.O.'s brand (which isn't a good one to begin with). We'd love to see how you are going to promote, market, and PR this piece of crap film that will waste two hours of any viewer's life. As Rock Mayock likes to say, "You can't polish a turd" - and it looks like that's what you'll be doing with DYSFUNCTIONAL FRIENDS. Sadly, it's pretty clear you're taking a first ballot hall-of-famer farther and farther away from the Super Bowl and guiding his career straight to the TOILET BOWL (I couldn't resist the stupid ass joke considering who I'm sending this note to). We actually like T.O. The guy has game. And he's sort of a genetic freak. Not a genetic freak like I am, but close. If you guys want advice on how to REALLY manage T.O.'s career, hollar at us. For real.