FAST AND FURIOUS 6 REVIEW
By Jessica C. at 2 p.m. | Nothing has been as hyped around the FOOTBALLPHDS offices as Fast and Furious 6. Doubletap Jenkins III was able to get the team into the media screening this week of Justin Lin's latest car mash-up, which is set to launch in the U.S. over Memorial Day weekend. After watching the movie, Rock Mayock and Jaboner Jackson both wanted to write the review. But who wants to read a movie review that just says "boing!" over and over again? I sure didn't.
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NAME THE TATS
By Rock Mayock 11:00 p.m. | Good evening wonderful readers. It has been quite some time since our last installment of Name the…. In this spirit of returning the contest to its origins, we have a variety of monthly themes to choose from. May is South Asian Heritage Month, Jewish American Heritage Month, Asian Pacific American Heritage Month and National Drinking Water Month. Let’s be honest, how interesting are any one of these themes? Not very. Therefore we will embrace a lesser known recreational activity celebrated throughout May, National Masturbation Month!
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INTRODUCING MELODY, THE FOOTBALLPHDS’ OFFICE ACTIVITIES COORDINATOR
By Rock Mayock, photos by Edwin “EJ” Jiminez, 12:00 a.m. | 2012 was tumultuous year for the FOOTBALLPHDS. Jaboner Jackson went missing in the jungles of Brazil, Darryl “DoubleTap” Jenkins III reportedly eloped with Cousin Felipe’s mom and the PhDs suffered significant financial losses due to a series of bad positions in the international currency market. Despite these setbacks, the PhDs have rebounded with a vengeance. Jaboner Jackson has returned from Brazil, DoubleTap was seen at the Daytona 500 along side with Kevin Harvick and the Fast & Furious 6 release is just around the corner. In short, things are looking up. To assure this good fortune is celebrated appropriately, Rochelle has taken it upon herself to hire an office activities coordinator. As with all of Rochelle’s previous personnel decisions, she has found the most attractive and highly qualified candidate available. Please welcome the FOOTBALLPHDS’ Office Activities Coordinator, Melody.
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NFL IN LA: MIAMI DOLPHINS NOT RELOCATING TO LOS ANGELES (AND STADIUM GAME THEORY)
By Jaboner Jackson 8 a.m. | Despite posturing in the media by Miami Dolphins' owner Steve Ross after a failed legislative attempt to bring to the residents of Miami-Dade County a vote regarding renovations for Sun Life Stadium, the Dolphins are not relocating to Los Angeles. Any media noise or speculation to the contrary is wrong. Despite the efforts by AEG and Majestic Realty over past few years to get Farmers Field and Los Angeles Stadium off the ground, Los Angeles remains only a bargaining chip for the NFL--and increasingly one which no municipality should take seriously.
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ROCK MAYOCK’S WAY TOO EARLY 2014 NFL DRAFT PREDICTIONS
By Rock Mayock 11:30 p.m. | The ink is barely dry on the 2013 NFL Draft however that does not mean that it’s too early for the FOOTBALLPHDS to start issuing our bold predictions for the 2014 NFL Draft! One does not require a crystal ball to make several assumptions about next year’s draft. For one, it is already a foregone conclusion that the absence of Carson Palmer and Hunky Heisman Mattie Leinart will give the hapless Raiders the first overall pick. Second, Blaine Gabbert and his happy feet will make the Jaguars nearly as bad as the Raiders. How will these teams use their misfortune to their advantage? Here is the FOOTBALLPHDS’ fearless prediction for the first 10 picks of the 2014 NFL Draft.
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ROGUE POST FROM COUSIN FELIPE
By Felipe Trinidad, webmaster, 2:30 a.m. | Cousin Jaboner is back from Brazil and Cousin Rock is being abusive as usual. Both of them are trying to make me work. All I really want to do is retire in Puerto Rico and spend time with my princess Alejandra Espinoza…
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THE 2013 LOS ANGELES MAYORAL ELECTION: THE FOOTBALLPHDS’ FEARLESS PREDICTION
By Rock Mayock 11:30 p.m. | Good evening wonderful readers. As we know, our quaint city of Los Angeles is currently facing financial calamities of biblical proportions. Due to crushing public service employee pension obligations bobsledding out of control the City is financially doomed. On May 21, which is less than three weeks to you and I, the residents of Los Angeles will have the opportunity to determine who will succeed Antonio Villaraigosa (aka Tony Villar) as the City’s next mayor. Upon the conclusion of March’s primary election, the initial field of five mayoral candidates has been whittled down to two choices, City Councilman Eric Garcetti and City Controller Wendy Greuel. To enable our readers to make an educated decision on election day, the FOOTBALLPHDS have performed exhaustive research on both candidates. Here is everything that you need to know.
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